Could your good intentions be interfering with your child’s development of
necessary life skills? Whether prepping kids to get into the “right” school
or grooming them to be the next great musical prodigy, well-meaning but
misguided parents are often over-invested in the future success of their
child. So, it should be no surprise that excessive parental involvement can
also extend to our children’s social lives. Growing up is hard enough
without parents intervening in one of the few areas that kids can control –
their relationships.
By the time children become tweens, they should be ready to start managing
their own social lives. That doesn’t mean you can’t guide them on their
interactions, but it does mean that you need to start turning over the
reins to them. If you are arranging your child’s entire social life – such
as play dates, school activities and social gatherings – you may be
overstepping your bounds.
So, how do you know when to be involved in your child’s social life and
when to step aside? Follow these guidelines.
Be Involved When Your Child Asks
If your child comes to you looking for help or guidance, that’s your chance
to be involved. Resist the urge to give answers or solve the problem for
your child. Instead, ask questions to help your child think through the
situation. It may be tempting to take over in an attempt to help them avoid
the pain that relationships sometimes cause, but those struggles are a part
of the learning process. Ask open-ended questions and try to help her
develop a strategy for resolving not only the current issue, but future
ones as well.
Be Involved When You Can Calm the Drama
Kids need parents who are stable and remain calm – especially when they
themselves cannot. Exploding in anger when you perceive your child has been
wronged by another child is counter-productive. It is especially important
for parents to remain calm and in control when things seem overwhelming,
scary or pressure-filled for their kids. Tween relationships aren’t easy,
and we need to help our kids through the ups and downs of dating.
Here are some strategies for keeping your cool:
-
Counting to 10. It’s been used for years and is very effective at
diffusing feelings. Counting to 10 inserts two important elements
of anger management – time and distraction. It gives you a chance
to take a step back, separate yourself from the thing that
triggered your anger and move forward with more clarity. -
Breathe in to let go. Taking a few deep breaths expands the
diaphragm muscle, which expands the lung’s air pockets. This
invokes a natural relaxation response. -
Use a mantra. Mine is: “I can deal with (name a crisis) with grace
and dignity.” I say it repeatedly whenever my teen is doing
something that is contrary to what I’d like. Your mantra can be
whatever makes you feel better. One parent I know says, “I’m as
cool as a cucumber” and it makes her feel physically and
emotionally cooler.
Step Aside When It’s Not About You
Your child’s social life should not be the main focus of your time and
energy. When we orbit our lives around our children’s activities, we are
not giving them control over their choices and decisions. And, it gives
them the impression that everything is “all about them”.
Here are some strategies that can help you maintain a healthy distance:
-
Get a life. It sounds flippant, but sometimes our kids’ activities
and interests become our activities and interests. Instead
of focusing on your kid’s social life, take a look at your own and
identify ways you can strengthen your own friendships. -
Stay out of your child’s life. Give your child some privacy and let
them develop their own friendships and interests. You don’t need to
know what happened every minute of their day. In fact, if you know
every detail about all the drama going on in your tween’s or teen’s
relationships, it’s time to step back! -
Focus on the big issues. You are the parent and obviously have the
right to know who your child is spending time with, but be
judicious in how you exercise that right. You may not think the boy
or girl your child is dating is the best choice, but unless the
relationship is putting your child at risk, you need to let your
child reach that conclusion on his or her own. Setting boundaries
is okay, but turning your child’s life into a reality show where
you’re the audience watching every twist and turn is not.
Step Aside with Small Issues
As the saying goes, don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t worry about your
child’s haircut or choice of clothes. Pay attention to the bigger aspects
of your child’s life like their hopes, dreams, aspirations, disappointments
and challenges. Over the past two decades, research has consistently shown
that children develop healthier relationships and make better choices when
they feel connected to their parents.
Void these Top 10 Ways to Embarrass Your Tweens and Teens
Are you looking for the fastest way to build a wedge as large as a crater
between you and your child? If so, follow these tips and rest assured your
tween/teen will loathe being in your company.
-
Forbid it. That’s right – forbid your child to do anything and
everything that her peers are doing. Don’t ask questions. Don’t
discuss options. Just forbid it! The louder, the better.
-
Kiss & go. Require your child to kiss you whenever you drop
your child off anywhere. A requisite hug, blown kiss, enthusiastic
hand wave or verbal phrase, “I love you, too, Mom!” will have the
same result.
-
Lick & wipe. Lick your thumb and use it to wipe the remnants of
breakfast off the corner of your child’s mouth.
-
Sing. While driving carpool, sing along to current pop songs. This
is especially effective if you don’t quite know all the lyrics
and/or can’t carry a tune.
-
Use text slang. When holding a conversation with your child and her
friend, use words like LOL, OMG and ROFL. It’ll make your tween
post “KMN.”
-
Write lunchbox notes. What was fine in elementary school will be
dreaded in middle school, so make sure you tuck a little note in
their lunch every day.
-
Use pet names. If you called her “Smoochie” or “Baby Cakes” when
she was a baby, keep doing it – especially in front of friends and
potential boyfriends.
-
Display baby pictures. Your child will love it when friends see
naked pictures in the bathtub, bunny costumes at Halloween and
eating Cheerios in the highchair.
-
Make your life all about your child. Everything should revolve
around your tween or teen. Your email address should indicate your
motherhood (momrules@aol.com) and your social networks should use
names like EmilysMommy” or “ILoveMyBabyLilly”.
-
Volunteer for everything – absolutely everything, including (but
not limited to) field trips, school career day, church outings, Boy
Scouts, classroom mom, lunch monitor, school fundraisers and, most
importantly, dance chaperone.
